Here’s Everything You Need to Know About Mindful Dating: A Conscious Guide for Beginners
Although it may all still feel like a blur, 2020 was a year filled with a plethora of quarantine love stories. Folks all over the globe had their own 90-day fiancé experiences, some sheltering in place with their recent dates or hookups. After hearing these success stories, people flocked to the online dating scene with quirky taglines in tow. Some folks made the most of their algorithm-induced matches and virtual dates, while others continued to swipe left. Where swiping through people like a speed dating session has become the norm, conscious dating apps are attempting to make modern dating more meaningful, but are they safe and inclusive? If you’re looking for answers while navigating the mindful dating movement, here are some resources and tips to get the most out of your experience:
Defining the Movement
The mindful dating movement is one free of judgment. It requires participants to be honest with what they need and want in a partnership, with every stage of dating being intentional. Participants focus on remaining self-attuned, secure, and authentic while seeking a secure, evolutionary partnership that honors each partner’s wholeness, experiences, needs, and sense of self. Transparency, reciprocation, healthy boundaries, conscious communication, and combined growth anchor the relationship.
Before Putting Yourself Out There
A level of healing and introspection is required before conscious romantics slide into the DM’s. For example, diving into your attachment style, love language, childhood traumas, and family dynamics can give you insight into your dating history. For example: do your previous partners resemble your parents’ behavioral patterns? Do you have an avoidant attachment style? Are you afraid of commitment or intimacy? Do you hold limiting beliefs, have mental health struggles, or exhibit toxic traits when your inherited beliefs are challenged? Has racial or religious trauma impacted your relationships or your ability to remain open and curious about them? Are you afraid of the stigmas or stereotypes attached to your sexuality or internalize those judgments? Are there mindsets and patterns of behavior you have to unlearn?
Before you put yourself out there, make all the effort to heal your “stuff.” This inner work is part of the mindfulness equation because merging your life with another’s takes radical self-acceptance and awareness to be honest enough to build trust. You don’t want your “stuff” to hinder your chances of having a healthy, respectful relationship from the start. You also want your foundation of self to be solid, and healing your “stuff” will help you better understand your truth, triggers, and traumas enough to communicate them.
As with traditional dating, the conscious adaption is only going to be as open as you are or want to be. Know going in that folks have different motivations, wants, preferences, and visions for their life. Reserving judgment of your differences can help manage expectations and respect one’s rejection without internalizing it. One of the most endearing parts of mindful dating is upholding the belief that you and all its participants are worthy and enough, so remember to love yourself through the process.
Finding the Right App
The conscious dating experience could hinge on the app used. Understanding what you want or looking for in a partnership first will put you on the path to the right app for you. Make the discovery a mindfulness practice, perhaps journaling the relationship dynamics you witnessed as a child versus those you would like to call in or experience as an adult. You may want to consider how you might be at the intersection of several social issues, too, as your identifiers should be included on the app you select as it could shape your experience. Before selecting an app, it’s best to know as many potential obstacles and limitations as possible.
Don’t let the horror stories of online dating stop you before you start; focus on being informed. Do your due diligence, research, and ask about the apps other successful modern-day couples used. Hinge, Bumble, and MeetMindful are some of the top conscious dating apps based on user success rates and testimonials. Users credit their success to these apps’ interactive prompts and preference selections, which are essential when trying to spark a genuine connection. If all else fails, my trusty Bible for all things sustainable and mindful living, The Good Trade, compiled a list of conscious dating apps for those looking to start their starry-eyed love and platonic soulmate journey.
Creating a Profile
Authenticity is key when creating your profile. Don’t shy away from putting yourself or your culture on full display. Showcase various photos that give insight into your personality, traditions, outlook on life, and how mindfulness plays into all of that. You want your profile to spark questions and healthy conversations about cultural differences, likenesses, world views, and how your lived experiences have shaped you.
The same goes for your past and previous partnerships. You don’t have to dive too deep into them, but you should know how they impacted you and what you’re looking for in a relationship—enough to convey that on your profile or when filling out your preferences and deal breakers. Don’t be shy to set firm boundaries and stick to them either. Be clear about your needs in a relationship—e.g., if you are open or closed off to third-party situations, polyamory, drugs/alcohol use, divorcees, children, political minds and etc. Indicate which of these are absolutely off-limits for you or if you’d still be open to connecting with someone who dabbles with opposing desires or habits.
You can even flat-out state that you’re only looking for an ally, especially if you identify as someone who is marginalized, racialized or with limited priviliege. Doing so will set you up for success. It may help you find better matches and offer more transparency than most. It’s important to remember to be as open as your heart allows or as safety permits.
Meeting a Match
This phase of the process requires honesty and a healthy ego from both parties, as rejection may follow suit. Take a second to think things through when that mutual heart pops up in your notifications. Feel things out for a bit during your initial conversations on the app, following your internal guidance system every step of the way. This would be the time to enforce or reinforce those boundaries and deal breakers you drafted for yourself before hopping on your chosen app. Give others grace, sure, but follow your intuitive nudges when they ping you. Oh and be on the lookout for scammers and solicitors inviting you to connect outside the app immediately.
Now, one thing conscious dating apps are good for is encouraging authenticity and nonjudgment. As a member, lean into that, and you’ll find others do the same. The first message you receive may be a match warning you about how they engage with some of your deal-breakers, giving you the chance to choose for yourself if you’d like to move forward with a formal conversation. Practice fairness and reciprocity by altering your match of your personal preferences, identifiers, or your engagements with their deal breakers (if they’re not already visible on your profile). That way, you’re starting a connection without any secrets and being firmly planted in your truth. It may not be easy—share all of this, knowing rejection may come, but it won’t kill you.
If rejected, be kind to yourself and the other person. Understanding you may not be in alignment with someone is an intentional act that implements differentiation. Refrain from giving someone a “pass” because of your attraction to them, and refrain from morphing your beliefs, actions, or desires to match theirs. Stand firm and true to who you are, feeling all the feels for however long you need to. Then, get back on the horse.
If you identify as a marginalized person, beware of folks who pretend to understand your experience or use microaggressions as a way to presume reliability. It’s unfortunate, but some folks see QTBIPOC folks only as novelty props. Listen closely to the rhetoric used and how they respond to your needs or requests for all forms of safety. Their response will either indicate their compassion, respect, and maturity or reveal their mask (if it doesn’t completely fall).
It’s typically advised by couples who’ve met on dating apps to get off the app as soon as possible. Once you feel safe, heard and seen in your early chats, think about how you’d like to continue your conversations. Giving out personal information too soon can open the door to potential safety risks. Take a page out of the “rich and famous” playbook—acquire an alternate phone number specifically to safeguard your privacy while dating online. And for the love of all that’s important to you, don’t forget to verify who you’re speaking with!
Meeting Virtually
You definitely don’t want to be getting catfished out here, so request a digital hangout before an IRL date. Consult with Zoom, Skype, Facetime, or other conference-friendly services to set up your e-meet.
Not only will you be able to verify your match is real with lower risks involved, but you’ll also be able to get a better feel for compatibility. This is the time to observe how your match shows up, for themselves and for you.
For example, are they often late, or do they respect the time you both agree to see each other? Are they who they portray to be online? Do they cut you off or barely let you get a word in? Are they social, and you’re more of a private person? Do you vibe well together, or is the energy between you completely off? Are you both okay seeing other people while getting to know each other, or do you want to continue talking exclusively to one other?
This stage is an excellent time to have impactful and light-hearted conversations. You know, all the basics you’d usually talk about on a first date? You’ll both be grateful for this risk-free way of getting to know each other, not wasting much time or incurring extra expenses too soon. Set aside time to evaluate how you both feel about moving forward to meeting in real life on one of your e-dates. After a couple of dates exchanging vulnerability, you should have a pretty good idea if your connection is one you’d like to continue investing in.
Meeting in Real Life
Now, for the moment you’ve been waiting for—meeting in person! The great thing about this phase is that you both “know” each other to some extent. Your e-dates laid the foundation for you, and you can focus on being present with each other with less awkwardness. Be natural and embrace the organic flow of your relationship.
Keeping safety in mind, discuss how you’ll be traveling and pick a public meet-up spot. Notify your trusted inner circle where you’ll be, especially if your IRL date includes transit for multiple locations. You can even tell your match that you have another excursion to get to after your date (preferably with a real-life person). Never lose sight of safety or your right to privacy as you allow yourself to date and explore life with another.
Make sure you’re on the same page with your matches and reaffirm your boundaries as time progresses. Give yourself and the other person grace; incorporating a new person into your life is a steep learning curve. Remember that mindful dating is as open as you are or want to be. Stay curious, communicative, and transparent in all you do on and off the apps. After all, the whole point of conscious dating is to break the cycles of toxic pairings we’ve all come to know all too well, thanks to either our personal experiences or media. Let the process crack you open and create connections that challenge you to evolve.