Finding supportive friends at any age is hard to come by. Friendships are like long-lost treasures and may be the only sense of home or source of unconditional support for some. Especially for disenfranchised folks, sometimes friends are our chosen family. It can be challenging for people with different perspectives and walks of life to truly understand how bias and social constructs can alter the foundation of a friendship. Couple that with people’s past traumas, inherited toxic traits, or bad habits they picked up along the way into adulthood—for some of us, there comes a time when re-evaluating friendships is a must. If you’re feeling like the odd one out, here are some warning signs you might be outgrowing your squad or in need of minimizing your presence in the group chat:

When You’re Tokenized

With the world's makeup becoming more diverse, it’s not all that unpopular for some people to be hyper-focused on optics regarding their friend groups. Some people may view closeness with marginalized folks as proof in the pudding that they aren’t biased or prejudiced. They may think being around other cultural groups will boost their social capital by virtue signaling or gaining access to experiences and figures they wouldn’t have otherwise come across. They are excited to introduce you to their core group, speaking for and over you during the introductions. They’re almost all too excited to exploit your cultural trauma to seem like a great person for being there for you, parade you around to seem “open-minded” and “educated” on social issues, or mimic your accent to appear more relatable. They may declare to be an ally; however, when things get real, they either fail or don’t know how to show up as one at all. 

People who behave this way see otherized people as pawns and props, not as humans; it’s about what you can do for them and how their closeness to you can improve their social perception. By reducing you down to a story of adversity or stereotype, they essentially strip you of your humanity. Their actions say they aren’t concerned with what you need out of life, a friendship, or how uncomfortable they make you feel; your exchanges are purely transactional to them. Their behavior signals how much they minimize your existence and experiences, limiting your fullness, significance, and expression. These are the people to run—not walk—away from as soon as you see the warning signs because, odds are, they’ll have very little regard for your boundaries and emotions.

When Your Needs or Concerns Don’t Matter

Some people are emotionally attuned to their friends and, at the very least, can validate their friends’ feelings or experiences. These folks are likely open to personal growth and value emotional safety and security in relationships. Unfortunately, some people haven’t experienced or seen this behavior modeled before and don’t know how to exhibit emotional intelligence. You may find that they frequently belittle and bulldoze over your boundaries as if they’re optional. Or, they may say you’re overreacting about something that’s happened and are “making a big deal” when you point out how you’ve been mistreated in some way. This may especially happen when you point out how you face discrepancies due to being otherized; suddenly, the conversation becomes an oppression Olympics, and nothing you’ve been through could ever be that bad compared to what they (or others) have been through. Because they have never walked the world in your body, you may find that they dismiss your concerns if they’re related to possible misconduct or injustice resulting from activities they deem harmless. 

People who behave like this lack empathy and awareness. Your friend(s) may be quick to invalidate your pain, blame you for what you’re experiencing, and use the phrase “you’re too sensitive” as a band-aid or a means to escape accountability for what they’ve said or done. These kinds of toxic friends are emotionally immature, unsympathetically self-focused, and relate to the world only through their lens. They don’t know how to put themselves in other people’s shoes and expect everyone around them to adopt their beliefs or viewpoints on life. They may even try to dictate how you should respond to issues, but shame your approach if and when you share it with them. They are incredibly unaware of how social structures may limit your ability to overcome obstacles or even have the space to be vulnerable enough to process those obstacles. You may want to try distancing yourself from these so-called friends, as their harshness and hollowness will cause you to doubt yourself, your reality, and what you ask for from a platonic relationship. If your friend(s) haven’t learned how to simply listen without judgment or extend the slightest bit of sympathy to others by their twenties, there’s a slim chance that will change without significant life challenges that encourage their self-reflection and self-work.

When Your Support Isn’t Reciprocated

A continual theme in life and partnership, friendships also ebb and flow. There will be moments when you need more support at a certain point, and vice versa for the other party. No one should be tracking or counting when these trade-offs happen; however, friendship should be a reciprocal relationship. Friends who flake, are full of excuses, or can’t make the effort to support you as best they can may not see you as an equal. They may be used to you being the one who is reliable, responsible, answers every call, or shows up for them. They may be used to you being the giver or even overgiver in the connection, but they don’t know how to give others what they’re used to receiving. These “friends” are draining, also known as energy vampires, whether they are intentionally or unconsciously siphoning your energy.

People who behave like this take others for granted. Your friendship may be one-sided, where your bestie(s) frequently trauma dump with the expectation that you’ll always be free to support them through their issues and offer endless emotional labor; however, when the roles are reversed, their lack of interest in you and your well-being is glaringly apparent. They may exhibit annoyance or shoot off short quips when you start opening up to them, and they may even try changing the subject when you attempt to. These types of people may also be alright with sharing what’s going on in their lives, but they are uncomfortable with others doing the same. If this pattern continues after speaking to them about it, you may have to dissolve the friendship slowly. They may be aloof, emotionally unavailable, or a little bit of both. Either way, you don’t have to settle for unrequited relationships of any kind.

When Your Friends Can’t Be Happy for You

Sharing milestones with loved ones is how we create some of our fondest memories, and you never forget those who leap at the chance to celebrate your success. Some of those in your inner circle may be there to support you for all your “down bad” days, but you may find the same enthusiasm isn’t applied when you’re gushing about your new promotion, personal health goal, romance, financial accomplishment, or travel plans. Your friendship may all be good when your friend’s life is on the up and up. In these times, you encourage and congratulate them, no questions asked. However, they seem to find something wrong with anything and everything when life’s going well for you. They may frequently refer to happenings being too good to be true, point out flaws, speak down on your opportunities, and diminish accomplishments; they might even mention your past struggles to highlight your fears and insecurities.

People who behave like this are in a constant state of comparison and competition. These sorts of people are threatened by others expanding their lives beyond them as well as what they’ve been able to achieve. They may seek the same “moment,” or you find them trying to “one-up” yours. This is because they may secretly think they’re more deserving of the happiness you’re experiencing—yes, as in they think they deserve it more than you do. Or, it could be that your buddies may have difficulty facing their shortcomings, stagnation, and where they find themselves in life. Whichever way the cookie crumbles, rid these people from your circle immediately. Their child-like envy will slowly become a cancer in your relationship, poisoning your mind against the goodness occurring in your life and hindering your ability to bask in joy or share your wins.

It’s not often people talk about how anxiety-provoking it can be to make friends or lose friends as an adult. If you’ve been conditioned as a childhood survivor of trauma, disenfranchised identity, or an oppressed/ethnic group, sometimes you can find yourself surrounded by friends who are eerily similar to people who liked to make you feel small or worthless early on in life. If you miss the warning signs, you might find yourself repeating relational patterns that once kept you safe as a child.

Like any other type of relationship, friendships should be built on reciprocity, respect, and trust. All parties should have equal space and opportunity to evolve and lean on the other in times of need. There shouldn’t be conditions; all parties should be able to freely share joys, pitfalls, and concerns without fear of weaponization. Competition should be non-existent; all parties should make a reasonable effort to understand each other’s feelings, needs, and hardships. Differences in thought, perspective, and problem-solving should be explored; at no point should any party feel less than, manipulated, in-debted to, or dependent on the other. All parties should be free to discover their whole selves within and outside the parameters of the friendship with a healthy sense of attachment and detachment. Otherwise—if no one’s told you yet—any friendship that’s not mutual or rooted in true allyship isn’t a friendship worth having, saving, or settling for at all.