Loneliness can be a tough pill to swallow, especially if you already feel like an outcast or quarantining alone. Daring to push past that lump in your throat to say out loud that you feel alone in a room full of people is even more challenging, but we all get there at some point in our lives. Where we feel so far removed from others and it becomes a burden to find or identify with relatable figures and stories.

I’ve been there before myself during several phases of my journey, most notably within my spiritual evolution and trauma recovery. As a recovering codependent and love addict, if someone wasn’t dictating life for me or needing me, then I felt like I didn’t have a purpose. And as with an addict, I didn’t want that source of validation to end. I was absolutely terrified of being alone, especially when I was younger. I was terrified of being left alone with my thoughts, terrified of what it meant to be liberated, to figure out what to do with too much freedom and no structure or illusion of control at all.

Because honestly? I thought I needed someone else to survive, to make a difference, to be in the driver's seat or else I would live life the wrong way. So I filled that void and the silence with whatever I could. People, places, jobs, media, music, food, coffee… you name it. I clung to noise, overshared my life, and was far more accepting of one-sided relationships than I should have ever been.

It wasn’t until I had to come to terms with the fact that chapters of life are meant to be traveled alone. Once I realized that I actually started to become open to being alone; being more open to learning how to work through loneliness, that is. It can be a real opportunity to learn how to cultivate more self-compassion and self-love, but how does one work through loneliness?

You may be asking this if you find yourself in a lonely space trying to rediscover who you are. And to that, I say: Well as with most things in life, there is no real handbook for that. We all feel lonely for varied and valid reasons, in which we may choose to avoid all acknowledgment or be painfully aware of the fact that we are lonely… especially while in quarantine. 

I will attempt to share what has helped me during quarantine in the hopes it might help you, too. But to be clear, I offer no guarantees or promises for the self-exploration that may or may not come. 

1. Find the Source

The first assignment during “hermit mode” was to find the source. To dive in deeper and explore if feelings of loneliness could be coming up due to a recent change, move, interaction, social pressures, or restrictions? Or if personal beliefs, mental blocks, absent support, and limited resources or allies could be contributing to feelings of isolation? 

For example, I found that feelings of loneliness increased during my spiritual and recovery journey since I was no longer in a space that would allow the same people, relationships, circumstances, dynamics, etc. to stay in my life; that is, if truth, health, and healing were going to remain true priorities. Not everyone agreed, understood, or could offer support in the ways that I needed or in ways that were healthy. And that was okay. Separation was needed to move forward.

2. Identify the Default Response

Next up was to review the default response. Do feelings of loneliness or separation inspire or harm the psyche, overall wellbeing, or foster growth? Is the response to shut down, avoid, and escape? Or is the response to reach out for professional help, share with an ally, or try to address loneliness... alone? Furthermore, how does your inner circle respond to periodical separation? 

For example, some of those in my life at the time were not open to being supportive. They knew me to be one way, so anything else outside of that was shocking and a threat to their sense of normalcy. There was rarely a time I was met with compassion, grace, empathy, or understanding. My response to loneliness up until that point has always been to try to fix it. Fix it by trying to incorporate others, trying to bring others with me, and/or filling the void with vices. At the time, I was of the mindset of “don’t leave anyone behind,” even if upholding that would ultimately be to my detriment. Identifying this default response to isolation allowed me to see past patterns with a new perspective, and respectively, how to start addressing them in the present.

3. Respond Mindfully

Once the default response is acknowledged, choose a different one. Whether you feel misunderstood or like a lone wolf in your career, within your family, or in relationships, it is all valid. Others may not be equipped to support you in all the ways you need, and that is also valid. The change comes with recognizing the onset of loneliness, then choosing to respond in a way that is not only healthy but also supportive to the rest of your journey.

Keeping with the theme of using my personal story as an example, choosing to cling to people or trying to incorporate other people wasn’t healthy for my recovery. Once I recognized that, I chose to do the opposite. From over-giving and saving or rescuing to setting boundaries and (consciously) choosing to put my well-being first. While it was lonely, in that loneliness, I have expounded on my skills. My hobbies have shifted from researching coping mechanisms to purely expressing my inner child. All of that to say that I don’t know if those would have been my takeaways, had I been allowed to make and force my recovery journey to be the group project I wanted.

So in short, and as I’m sure you already know, working through loneliness can be an opportunity that leads to personal growth or the cultivation of more self-love, if you are open to it. The following series of questions helped me process and become more open to exploring self-love in isolation, so I want to share them with all of you, too. If you find yourself feeling alone or misunderstood while rediscovering yourself, check-in with yourself. Ask:

1. Why are you seeking connection?

2. Does being alone hurt or inspire you?

3. Is it time to reach out & let someone know how you feel?

4. If so, what networks or support groups can you connect with?

5. If not, is there something to be learned from spending time on your own?

6. Name 3 healthy ways to address feelings of loneliness or isolation.

All in all, know that it is okay to feel, express, and work through the emotions that may be coming up for you now.